Right. I'm sitting in class... and feeling bored.

Learning how to use Dreamweaver now, and... IT MESSED UP. >.< So I can't proceed anymore... Even right now, my teacher's messin' up. This week's lesson is hell.

More and more people in my class are being booted out of the world of Dreamwaver - we are getting shitty problems from it, one by one. Yay! We're out of the race.

It's a boring day because I'm tired, tired, tired... But it's not really fair to complain that I am tired because... everyone else is.

And thank you, my blog is officially dead.  I hardly, ever, ever, ever blog.

A s-t-r-i-n-g of bad happenings.

1. I got SICK for 2 weeks, result: Missing school for 5 days. WOW. And missing a test.

2. My spectacles BROKE. And it will take SGD 200 ++ to make a new pair. Why? I have a skyrocketing myopia of 800 degrees and astig of 75 on my left eye, and 600 degrees (myopia) and 275 astig on my right. How sucky can that be? The festive promotions coming from Optical Shops are NOT helping.

3. Yayy yayy. It's the stress season. And it's going to continue for the next 2 years. Hah!! I'd be 20 by then. Geez.

4. I spent a wholesome sum of... SGD 130 ++ on doctor fees, cripppling my family's finances. So fun - NOT.

5. 4 Visits to the doctor - Western, Western, Chinese Physician, Western, and a blood test.

6. More to come...

Not blogging anymore. I mean, I'm going to stop here. Continue some other day. >.<

It's the wee early hours in the morning, and I am blogging.

This feels so wrong.

Lots of stuff has happened over the last five days, and I won't be touching on them all. I am just going to just touch on what happened today.

While I am here blogging, my mum is ranting, complaining, yelling vulgarities on the phone about her unfair treatment by my dad and paternal grandma.


The Story
Whenever I go over to my paternal grandma's home to visit her (ever since granddad passed away), and... because I want to give my mum the respect she deserves, I let her know that I have gone over.

Whenever I tell her this, she would first take it easily, then flare up like no one's business. Her blaming game then begins. She thinks I've been "psycho-ed" (in other words, brainwashed) by my paternal grandmother.

Look. Ah Gong has passed away. All that's left is Ah Ma. Both my maternal Grandma and Granddad had passed away too. I am left just with Ah Ma and I want to cherish her and love her. I have no cares for my dad, perhaps because of what he has done. I shiver upon seeing him. When I see him, I will take flight. But not for Ah Ma. Ah Ma's so old already.

Let me ask you a question? Who does not make mistakes in the world? If you are not guilty of this, all I can say is that... You're not human. My dad executed atrocities on my family. My Grandma simply just feigned ignorance about my dad's doings. I can understand the unfairness and injustice my mum feels.

When my parents separated, my mum had to bear all of my dad's debts, because she had to be his guarantor for his loans. If she didn't agree to it, she'd be subjected to his abuse. Whatever it is, my mum was objectified. She was not treated like a human by my dad. She was simply... his punchbag.

I could remember the times when I was much younger, when I had to listen to the agony of my mum's abuse by my dad. I could hear flesh punching into flesh. I could hear the cupboards slamming open and shut. I could hear doors being ripped off their frames by pure strength. I could hear my dad's yelling in his drunken stupor. I could hear everything... crystal clear. Where was I, you ask? I was just in the room next door. Almost every single night I could hear what was going on in my parents' room. I couldn't do anything. I was small, inferior, young, nothing.

There was more my father did to my mum. But if that became the focus of my blogpost, I will never be able to finish up this post because... you could simply publish a book on it.

Her agony, she thinks I cannot understand. I can, I fully can. While my mum went through such traumatizing ordeals, I was not having it easy either. Neither did my brother. We all suffered in the same boat. We all knew the pains all of us went through. We know my mum is great. She's a great woman who bore so much pain for her kids. We know she suffered and we want to give her a good life.

Yet she's not giving herself a good life. If she doesn't help herself out of her agony, how can we give her a good life? No matter what we try to give her, she will still cling on to the past, never wanting to let go because of the deep hatred she has for my dad and my grandma. It's hard, yes it's hard, but if she clings on to it with her heart yearning for revenge, she'll not get anywhere in life.

She's still blaming, blaming, blaming... Never letting anything go. Everything's deep down inside.

Look at the whole situation at this point of view.

What if one day, as a parent, you committed a mistake? And your child simply refuses to forgive you? How would you feel? And what if, the child grows up, commits a mistake like how his parents did, and the child's child simply refuses to forgive him?

By then, the child would have felt how tough it was for his parents to get his forgiveness.

It all runs in a non-stop cycle. It's what we love to call... a vicious cycle. This is a cycle of continuous agony.

If you noticed, THIS cycle is running in the current situation. My only grandparent left is old. Because my parents separated, she couldn't see her two grandchildren (including me) for close to 2 years. How painful is that for a grandma who has committed the mistake on the generation before her grandchildren's generation? It already pains her heart that her son is a good-for-nothing. What do you want to do, mum? Increase her agony by taking away her two grandchild?

I love Ah Ma, and I love you too. Seeing you in your agony, doesn't it hurt me too? That's why I got angry at you for talking about your unfairness and injustice, because you're too focused on your own pain. As a grandchild, I can see everyone's pain (except for my dad, I figured that it wouldn't be possible this lifetime). Mummy, everyone, not only you, I mean everyone, me, you, brother, ah ma, we are all covered in eternal bandages. Why eternal? Because these wounds wouldn't heal. They get pryed open

What's happening now is... the previous generation's problems are overlapping with my generation. This cycle is being forced onto the next generation.

I am trying to break free of it. I want to get out of it, because I do not want my children to suffer from what I did.

I hope, and I sincerely hope that this ends. Although I know that I probably will never be able to forgive my dad, too.

So you know what I am going to talk about. YES. Expediture & BAD DAY (strictly by NICHOLYN)

FIRST AND FOREMOST
Expenditure.
How I hate this word.

Being a person who's a scrimp, I am pretty amazed at how I managed to choke up this humongous sum of expenses... ever since Poly holidays started.

The list of awribble expenditure that has gone terribly awry

A black & gold tube dress. Cost? SGD 69.90 (WOW!)
A pair of 4-inch heels with strap & gold button. Cost? SGD 39.90 (WOAH!)
A pair of slightly dull rainbow coloured shorts. Cost? SGD 10.00 (This one's a BARGAIN. (: I am so proud of myself.)
A tube of ZA Shade 2 Concealer. Cost? SGD 11.12 (There's a 20% discount on this!! Wahaha. But still... T.T)
A black clutch bag. Cost? SGD 12.90 (I didn't feel any particular heartpain when I purchased this item, so yeah. Its fine. (: )
A bottle of black nail polish. Cost? SGD 2.90 (This one's okay, normal price.)
Taxi Fare. Cost? SGD 4.50 (And it's shared between 4 peeps. From SK to Orchid Country Club)
Owe Yimin money. Cost? SGD 9.00 (For Jim's prezzie and a bowl of dumpling soup)

The list continues... Expenditure on the sinful & the shouldn't haves...
A bar of dairy milk chocolate. Cost? SGD 1.05
A MacDonald's Fillet Student's Meal. Cost? SGD 4.50 (From SGD 3.95 to SGD 4.00, and now, SGD 4.50. And they earn so much profit. -.-|||)
A shared Long John's Silver Meal. Cost? SGD 2.00 (Unhealthy..., but it was shared, so half the unhealthy-ness. *grins*)
A cone of ice-cream. Cost? SGD 1.00

TOTAL EXPENDITURE: SGD 167.77

Other expenditures includes some money that I spent to treat friends, but it's okay! I won't include that in, because it's goodwill. (: And she's pretty much my good friend. Wahahah~. (: It makes me happy to see that my friends are happy. =D I love 'em all.

My gosh. All these over a period of 2 - 3 days.

Some of the items I actually bought it for the Staff Appreciation Night. However, I didn't manage to wear them because I thought they was too formal (and Grace agreed as well). The black and gold tube dress is really wonderful! I love the velvet motifs on the gold satin material! Hee~

Some stuff I could have kept away from though... Like the chocolate, and all the other fast food. Unhealthy AND expensive. Been having too much unhealthy stuff lately...

So, with unhealthy food comes the ABSTAIN LIST... I gotta keep to it! 
#1. No more ice-cream (only ONCE per month. Bad for my mensus and my health)
#2. No more chocolates (this one is bad. MILK chocolate. How unhealthy is that?!)
#3. No more bubble tea pearls (Bubble tea is okay, pearls are NOT)
#4. No more fast food

Say YES to...
#1. More plain water (I have this teerible habit of not taking a single drip of water for the WHOLE DAY)
#2. More soup when I am hungry (beats Chocolates, right?)
#3. More fruits and vegetables (Have been eating out lately... And they are always stingy with vegetables. Perhaps I should order a bowl of vegetables only from Yong Tau Foo stalls. Haha. That pretty much explains why the recent chain of tummy upsets and constipations)
#4. Keeping away from snacking (Snacking traps more gooey stuff in between my teeth. I think I should listen to my dental doctor. Haha. I don't want to have decayig teeth... one of my tooth decayed last year. EWW!)

Right. And this should also help lower my expenses on the food expenditure side. Choose healthier stuff. (: It helps.

AND!!!! No more spending. Think about the needs over the wants. Yes.

Well, before I continue ranting, I want to come to a conclusion... and I MUST. It's been in my heart for so long, my heart's yellin'.

The external cause of my awribble expenditure is.... THE STAFF APPRECIATION NIGHT (you culprit!)

The internal cause is... very ridiculously simple, because it doesn't just happen to me... *winks*

I'm VAIN (tell me which girl's not?)
Vanity is the reason why girls spend money (though I DON'T wanna admit).

Now I'm not committing the act of fundamental attribution error, am I? Haha. I'm fair & square! (oh. seriously nicholyn, what rubbish. < I bet you this'd be Yimin's expression. Mwahahaha. I can mind read. < Uh-huh. [Yes, Yimin, I know you'll say this in your mind when you read this. ^^)
 

Yes, yes, let's get back on track... O' you, hear my rants. =D

A few unexpected nasty stuff happened today. Before my STM (short-term memory) acts up, let me list 'em down fer ya (yes, laugh if ya want to. *smirk*)

Bad Stuff 1: ARASHI!!! (Darndarndarn. I couldn't book their tickets in time for Yi Min, oh sooo shitty.) Before I get long-winded, remind myself to explain later, yes, let's move on.
Bad Stuff 2: Happy sprained one of his teeny-weeny limbs... His deformed one. (You know that cute little pompy of mine? T.T)
Bad Stuff 3: Mum sprained hers pretty badly too, so much so that she limps. (... and still can go to her friend's place for Mahjong. I seriously salute her. *salutes*)

<< Nic's Side Dish: My gosh. Owner and dog alike. Both hurt their leg... and on the same right leg. WOW. And both are enthusiastic about going out. =.=||| >>

Bad Stuff 4: Ken Han had to go back to camp for weekend duty (I used to mind when he couldn't accompany me, but right now, I think I am improving. I'm relaxing. =D)

Yes. Isn't today a horrible day? By judging the number of times I say yes, I think my necklace would have been confiscated a zillion times at last night's Staff Appreciation Night... Right. Another one of my side tracks, lol.

*shifts train on track*

Now now, how did Bad Stuff 1 happen? Woke up early today to meet Yimin at Hougang Mall Mac's (and that's where I took my sinful Mac's Student's Meal for lunch) to lnd her my debit card to book Arashi's 'Arashi Around Asia 2008' concert in Taiwan. You wouldn't believe this... The both of us sat there gleefully, with our eyes so stuck on Yimin's MacBook's analog. Even as we ate, we had our eyes ON IT. We never once looked away from it (Yes, I am exaggerating. Wholly!)...

Before it turned twelve both of us have each a finger on the mouse button. Then... it struck twelve. Immediately, *tap*. HOORAY!!! We were in the website. But it was seriously.... W                     O                       L                                   S.

It was so slow that the website took more than 5 - 8 minutes to load everytime we clicked on something. Ultimately, Yimin had to go for her movie with her elder sister, and I decided, since I had the time, I'd just book on her behalf. The internet speed is partially to blame too. Wireless@SG is not a good conection to use if you wanna book tickets that sell out like... in 4 or 5 hours. Eww. Definitely, next time, it's a nono.

When I came home, I immediately settled down. I seriously have no idea why I did so much for Yimin. I think it's because I saw the expression I never saw on her face since I met her approximately 4 months ago. But I loved seeing her happy. It made me happy, seriously. I never expected myself to go crazy over the ticket booking with her. Haha. To think I used to be anti-social and didn't gave a hoot to some of my friend who were truly sincere to me. Geez. It took me so long to... grow up.

I spent like almost 2 hours on trying to book the seats for her, but to no avail. I was seriously pissed and my head was spinning like a top. It wouldn't stop. But I knew that her happiness relied so much on it, I was just so determined to get the tickets. But everytime the server processed the transaction, they'd churn out the same answer to me:

"...The seats you wanted are already taken by others. Please try other seats. Go back to the main page or check if you have gotten your seats."

It was in traditional Chinese. I found myself saying stuff like "crap, shit, darn it, my gosh"... all the time, throughout that gruelling battle for 2 hours without rest for my eyes. Sometimes, I'd resort to freakshit (Yeah, manda, you taught me this. (: ). Hehe.

Right. So the chain of bad stuff happened from here.

There was this lady who approached my house. I was in the room, so I couldn't really attend to her and I didn't know she appeared till my lil' pompy barked ferociously at her. At that point in time, I was just on the phone with Yimin and updating her on the situation. Happy was making too much noise that it made my dizziness, so I went out and grabbed him from the door, put him on a chair and commanded,"Don't you dare come off the chair". So I went back to the phone. I briefly caught a glimpse of the lady in a pink top and black bottom when I forcefully grabbed Happy away from the door and her. But I ignored her, thinking that she'd go away and stop making my dizziness worse by aggravating my dog.

Then Happy jumped from the chair and when he landed, he started whimpering loudly. For a moment, I was stunned because I never heard him whimper from pain before. It sounded like he was in immense pain and my heart broke. With the phone still held to my ear and Yimin still on the line, I "flew" to Happy. I kept asking him what was wrong and couldn't stop stroking him. He was in pain. I knew because he has never whimpered like this.

For a moment, I flustered. I got so lost that I didn't know what to do. The phone was still on my ear. Then I remembered that Yimin was on the line. For a moment Yimin because the ground and Happy, the figure (this is how humans work sometimes, and some of us do commit the same mistake, but yet, we'd always blame the other party when this happens, like how I do blame my very own boyfriend sometimes... Why am I guilt-tripping myself? Ah, get back to track!). In my franticness, I walked eagerly out of my room and into the hall to see the lady in pink still standing there. I flared up.

"What do you want?" I asked in the same tone like how I'd tell my students sometimes that they have no respect for me when they made too much noise.

"I am just here to do a survey," she replied with a bewildered look on her face.

THAT sentence made the fuel in me burn, causing the flames in me to double its size. So... just because of a survey my dog had to fall and hurt his leg, so much pain was inflicted on the little one for just one blardy survey. I was so infuriated.

"I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DOING YOUR SURVEY!"

I said that with a screwed up expression on my face and a voice that is projected as loud as how I could speak in a classroom with a tone of determination and shrewdness.

In my mind, I was thinking, get your survey off my back. I don't need it to make matters worse.

She simply gave me a disgusted look and finally went away, with reluctance as she was walking pretty slowly.

Then I saw, in my head, a picture of my mum and I immediately called her. I knew she would reassure my fears and tell me what to do. At the same time, when my mum picked up the phone, I got into my anger paranoia and started ranting about what happened and putting all the blame on the survey lady for the dog's fall. I think the lady heard what I said because the door was wide open. Separating us was only a metal gate that had no substance to retain any sound, whatsoever.

Back to the start of the day... (sorry about the sequence, I am simply too lazy to shift this whole paragraph back to the start.)

My mum sprained her leg during work, quite terribly. It swelled! But at the same time, I couldn't leave Yimin at MacDonald's alone, without my debit card. So I had to stay. I think Yimin would have been lost without the card and me by her side (she kept saying that I was making her more nervous and umm... in a sense "gleeful"?) But I that extra 10% that Yimin won from me made me stay. Partially I knew my mum would be able to handle her injury because she has always been strong. But 40% of me felt terribly bad and I wanted to split myself in two (if that was possible)... Oh wells.

This pretty much concludes my day. And... as for Ken Han not being able to book out... I'd tell myself that he's doing this for a greater cause. Not like I am not going to see him anymore, right? Take it easy and relax...! =D